Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
