her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
