they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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