Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
