so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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