I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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