Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
