two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
