i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
