I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
