Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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