If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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