I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
