yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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