if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
