she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
