I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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