i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
