My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
