you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
