i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I looked at my own cervix.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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