did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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