This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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