i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
