If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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