I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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