Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
