Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize