So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
