so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
