did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
