I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
