in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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