so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
