I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
