it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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