the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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