Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
