so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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