3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
