i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
