Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
