i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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