Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I love having hate sex.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
