please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
