dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
