thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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