When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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