i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Still dying that you shit outside
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
