Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
