i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
