Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize