I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
