I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
