There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
